Let me share with you a story I’ve never told. ☾
A story not that different from most people suffering from an eating disorder.
I used to struggle with the textbook definition of bulimia for 8 long years. Being in the entertainment industry since a young age means I had to learn to be judged for everything.
Weight, size, height, looks...
and the list goes on.
Growing up, I’ve always had my issues with weight and self-esteem. Paired along with the pressures of looking ‘good’ for the camera, it lead me down the rabbit hole of starving myself or making myself sick after a meal.
I’d curl up into a ball and cry sometimes. 😢 Cursed at those who made this crazy twisted ‘theory’ that we had to be skinny to look good on camera.
But then one day, I realised that to my LIFE is SO SO SO MUCH more than constantly worrying about food and weight.
And my body is MINE.
People can judge or say whatever they want, but it gives ME life and feeling BEAUTIFUL has nothing to do with the way I look.
It took me a while to recover. ✨
With some help from family and friends, I overcame it 5 years ago and I’m very proud of how far I’ve come.
Beauty is not a pimple-free face, or a tiny waist, or shiny hair, or any other picture perfect photos we were on social media.
It is who you are on the INSIDE.
♡
-
Full interview in mandarin on @yzine247
Link on stories.
同時也有2部Youtube影片,追蹤數超過3,660的網紅程威銓.海苔熊,也在其Youtube影片中提到,這個影片用「自我驗證」(self verification theory)來說明為什麼你總是習慣活在「覺得自己不好」的影子裡面。(影片裡面一直講錯成「自我肯證」XD,那是另外一個專有名詞 Self affirmation),相關研究可以參考: Sedikides, C., & Strube, M. ...
「self-esteem theory」的推薦目錄:
self-esteem theory 在 阿空 Facebook 的最佳解答
整理資料發現近兩年前去某國際研討會分享 #手天使 心得時的講稿,當時把我知道的議題面向都寫進去了。貼上來給有興趣的朋友。
[[slide page 1]]
Thank you for attending this part.
I'm from Hand Angel, a non-profit organization of Taiwan.
The title of my presentation is "As a sex worker and a sex volunteer",
since I'm both a sex worker, and also attending Hand Angel as a sex volunteer.
[[slide page 2]]
Allow me to introduce my organization more,
though you may know some from what Vincent has said in the morning.
Our main tenet is sexual rights to people with disabilities.
[[slide page 3]]
This includes not only orgasm, but also the right to control one's sexuality with autonomy and without discrimination.
People know us usually because we provide limited sexual service for servere physical or visual disabilities, including females.
Hand Angel is not a registered organization in Taiwan,
since we literally provide sexual service, which is considered against public order and morals.
However, we are still able to initiative our idea on the table
because our service are free, which means we actually do not violate any law.
[[slide page 4]]
In Taiwan, the definition of "sexual transaction" includes obscene acts in exchange for monetary,
which means it's considered transactional sex even there is no sexual intercourse.
And since transactional sex is technically illegal in Taiwan,
there's no legal way for us to charge anything by providing any service which may be considered obscenity.
This is much different in other countries.
In Japan, the law prohibiting sexual transaction only applies to intercourse between one male and one female. That's why White Hands and NOIR are able to provide paid handjob. The other reason is that they seem do not locate their service as sexual transaction. We can talk about this difference later.
And in Hong Kong, there's some way for sex workers not to be punished, which is called "one-woman brothel". So the difficulty for people with disabilities to satisfy their sexual desire would be different.
I, who has been a sex worker for years -- under the table, of course -- was invited to join Hand Angel at its very beginning.
[[slide page 5]]
People keep asking me that how a sex worker would think about a free sexual service.
But before that question, I think it's more important for us to know the difference other than money.
What's the difference between a classical transactional sex and our service?
As a sex worker, I hope my customers will come back to me more and more, as many times as they can pay.
But as a member of Hand Angel, I hope the servees would not need us anymore.
In fact, I hope they don't have to come to us at the very beginning.
The reason why people with disabilities may need sexual service, is the absence of sexual resource, the resource to fulfill one's sexual desire.
This is just like other issues of disabilities.
[[slide page 6]]
Just providing a service would not resolve the structural problem.
For example, if you give food to the poor without changing their situation, you would end up finding out that they're still poor.
Now change the "food" to "sex".
If we just give our own sex to those who barely have sexual resource, we'll end up exploiting ourselves, and their bad situation still remains.
The problem is, disabled people are considered abnormal, and they have been treated as no unnecessary needs.
But what is necessary for a person to live her own life instead of just survive?
In our issue, disabled people are usually considered asexual, and seldom sexy. That's the stigma we're going to break down.
[[slide page 7]]
There are some textures talking about disabled people in love and having sex, such as "Scarlet Road", "Sex on Wheels", and "The Sessions".
However, the narrative are usually based on ableism.
Viewers usually focus on how can the service provider "bear" to have sex with disabled people, instead of seeing the obstacles disabled people encounter.
[[slide page 8]]
A feminist has said that the relationship a disabled person has is considered depending on the compassion of the other person. People think their sexuality is disgusting and only saints are able to tolerate it.
So we can see the problem is not only physical obstacles, but also how we think about intimate relationship a disabled person deserves.
[[slide page 9]]
Does Hand Angel care about intimate issue? The answer is yes.
In our service, we provide not only sexual service. Our target is not the physical orgasm, but the infinite opportunity of their own lives.
Here are two examples.
[[slide page 10]] Little Prince
Since this servee can sense nothing below his waist, a classical handjob would be meaningless.
Fortunately, we have a BDSM queen in our team.
She thought of techniques in SM to check how pain it is to the slave, and use the same trick to check how the servee's body can feel.
I have to emphasize: that was not a medical treatment, that was about communication with each other.
They were talking about the feeling of two people, instead of the body of one person.
The whole process relies on the intimacy between the sex volunteer and the servee.
[[slide page 11]] ND
"Strolling" for him was from his room to the front door of his home.
Uh, I'm not talking about he lives in a big house.
Though using an electric wheelchair, ND's finger was not powerful enough to control the device for more than 10 minutes,
which means going out alone is not possible for him.
But after applying for our service, he trained himself to "walk" longer.
Even after our service, we were told that he kept trying to leave home and meet other friends.
Another servee has tried other entertainment such as snorkeling and paragliding after our service.
He's having a more plentiful life than before, and even than me.
[[slide page 12]]
In these cases, we can see that:
First, physical orgasm is not the only purpose of a sexual service.
Secondly, libido, or desire for sexual activity, is a strong energy for people to live.
There's a continuing question for us: People can still live without sex.
[[slide page 13]]
What's so important for disabled people to have sex?
Well, I think sex is probably not important for those who can have sex easily, but the impossibility to sex or intimacy may deny the self-esteem of a person.
Sex is an important reason for most people to make friends. So on the other hand, once a person is forced to abandon the opportunity to have sex, she (or he) might lose the energy to social activities. And that's not good for mental health.
[[slide page 14]] The 3 aspects we care about
First, physical orgasm. This is not only about sex organ, but also those come from your erogenous zone.
The problem is not only that people don't know how to interact with disabled people during sex,
but also that people do not want to know how the sex would be for people with different disabilities.
Second, intimacy. The right to have a satisfying date is also important.
Let's imagine, what if a couple of lovers want to kiss each other while seeing movie in a theater, but one of them is in wheelchair so their positions are actually separated?
Third, social integration. Many people with disabilities don't have enough opportunity to make close friends. One of the reasons is that other people usually don't know how to react with disabled people. Therefore, education is important.
[[slide page 15]] Gender Equity Education
In Taiwan, gender equity education comprises 3 parts: affective education, sex education, and gay and lesbian education.
Though I also want to introduce the situation that the conservative group is raising a proposal of referendum to forbid gay and lesbian education, but that's not the issue here so I have to skip that. I hope people who are interested in Taiwan may notice that same-sex marriage is not the only issue about gender equity.
Uh, back to disability rights movement.
As an organization which cares both gender issue and disability issue, we note that even open-minded gender activists may ignore the existence of people with disabilities.
Gender equity education is never designed or applied in the point of view of the disabled.
For example, there are some materials for teaching safe sex, but people seldom think about how a blind person should know before she (or he) masturbate or have sex.
We have a servee who once masturbated in the bathroom of his home, but couldn't clean up since not knowing where his semen reached during ejaculation, and therefore shocked his sister who later used the bathroom.
And another friend bought an artificial vagina in a sex toy store. But he didn't even know he have to erect before insertion.
[[slide page 16]] female servee
People caring about gender equity keep question us: why is there only one female servee during these 5 years after our foundation?
Well, we think the answer is complicated. But the most important one is: how difficult for a female to "confess" she has sexual desire?
We all know about "slut shaming", and those terms to humiliate females by their sexuality -- such as "bitch" and "whore".
It's difficult even for able-bodied females to state their sex experience and preference.
Then it's even more difficult for disabled females to think what she herself wants.
But before sexual activity with other people, disabled females don't even know their body well.
The only female servee we have, told us she has never seen or touched her own vagina.
So we also hosted some conferences and speeches to discuss about such situation of disabled females.
[[slide page 17]] Androcentrism
This is an important issue for us. And I think it's important for those who care about sexual health of disabled people.
Though there are some textures talking about sexual desires of disabled females. To provide sexual service or even sex education to them is barely seen.
I have to admit that, even though there are more and more female members joining us, androcentrism is still not easy to get over.
[[slide page 18]] limitations
Hand Angel provides service to those with servere physical or visual disabilities.
So here comes a frequently asked question: what about others?
The main difficulty for us is that we don't know enough about the situation of other disabilities.
Of course we know that people with other disabilities also don't have enough sexual resources,
but we ourselves do not have enough resources to share, either.
That's why we also hope other people to compose other similar organization.
Meanwhile, there are some people we cannot help because of law.
Adolescents are the ones I myself care about most,
since male teenagers have overwhelming sexual desire, and that would be hell for those with upper limb disability.
However, there are always laws prohibiting youths to have sex in every country.
[[slide page 19]]
In Taiwan, it is legal to have sexual activity after 16. No matter it's intercourse or not.
But even for an organization providing free service like us, the member who communicate with sex volunteer and the servee would be punished as a broker if the servee is younger than 18.
Actually, we do have an applier who mailed us about his desire when he was 15. What we can do is tell him to wait 3 more years.
Unfortunately, being an adult does not mean your right to sex is permitted.
[[slide page 20]]
People with intellectual disability or mental disorder are also infantilized, treated as babies or angels, and considered asexual.
The dilemma is similar to what teenagers have. Their consents are not considered valid.
That is frustrating. The law to protect them from sexual violence also tortures them.
[[slide page 21]] Acrotomophilia and devotees
While talking about disabled people in love or having sex, this is also an issue we should mention.
Some people worry about that devotees are just trying to dominate or take control of the disabled people.
This is similar to MacKinnon's dominance theory and male supremacy.
Devotees are considered to have more power in the relationship, and thus disabled people have a lack of autonomy.
I think that's a stigma, too.
The dominance theory does not deny free love. It focuses on the power issue.
Thus, the problem lies still on the absence of resources disabled people deserve.
Slanders on devotees are based on the prejudice that disabled people are never sexy,
and that denies the possibility for disabled people to have plentiful sexual activity.
The whole society shall support disabled people to have their own autonomy in their relationship.
[[slide page 22]] Difficulties
Usually, people would understand sexual desire of disabled people.
But to support it publicly is another story, especially for the organizations relying on donations.
There are some social workers and parents telling us that they want to do something to help their cases and family,
but it is still an issue which could not be spoken.
It's never been easy for us to talk about sex on the table, but it should be done.
Even for those who don't agree with the idea of sexual service, I do hope you could at least support disabled people to talk about their sex and romance.
[[slide page 23]]
This ends my report. Thank you for listening.
I'm Kong, a sex volunteer of Hand Angel from Taiwan.
self-esteem theory 在 海苔熊 Facebook 的最佳貼文
「最好的歸宿是自己的心。當你能夠安穩地棲息在自己的心上,才會有愛人的餘力。」 – —Y,2019,中秋。
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最近遇見了一本很有個性的書《離開時,以我喜歡的樣子》。在我開始閱讀之前,這本書已經變成非常紅了,在博客來都蟬聯前幾名。
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我從120個句子當中,挑選出我最有感覺的七個句子。不過真要說起來的話,也不是完整的幾個句子,有些是我從文章裡面做一些摘錄跟修改的。
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人生就是這樣嘛,不會每個人每件事情都符合自己的意思,就算是書裡面的句子也一樣。不過或許就是這樣,人生才會有意思。
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一邊在寫的時候,一邊有一種樹木希林老奶奶跟我講話的感覺。比方說剛剛因為穿壞了腳趾破洞的襪子,我拿針縫好,我家貓咪霸霸就立刻把桌上的線軸拿去玩了起來。
「真拿你沒辦法!」樹木老奶奶又出現了,於是我就放任牠和Q寶繼續追逐那個線軸。
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在寫字的時候,有幾次寫歪了、或寫錯了,老奶奶好像就會在旁邊說:「哎呀沒關係啦,這就是人生嘛!」(只差沒有把啤酒杯拿起來放在桌上深深地嘆一口大叔的氣而已。 )
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然後我的毛筆不知道為什麼寫到一半突然漏水,所以有一些地方有黑色的墨汁,這時候她又會像是好朋友一樣在旁邊說「你不覺得這很有趣嗎?」
.
所以我就沒有把這些墨汁給修圖掉了。其他還有稿子太小張、手機的光影等等,不過我就在想既然要用樹木老奶奶的精神,就一口氣的貫徹到底吧。或許這種混雜也是一種美。
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整個就是很隨性的稿子,雖然任性但是很用心,請你多多包涵囉。如果無法包涵的話,那麼也沒辦法(笑)。
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我覺得生而為人最痛苦的是,很多時候我們為了迎合別人的喜歡,而無法照著自己喜歡的方式來生活。在這樣的一種捆綁之下,我們暫時獲得了一種安穩;但是,就像樹木老奶奶所說的,「活在別人的評價裡面是很危險的」用心理學的語言來說就是「關係依存自尊」(relational contingent self-esteem),因為其他人的評價而患得患失,反而遺失自己真正的快樂。所以有些時候,就做一下自己,然後允許自己受傷吧,受傷的地方反而有機會能夠長出創造力來呀!
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我想起我的督導C說過類似的話:當你人際關係遇見困境的時候,不一定要在人際關係本身上面花力氣,有時候把目標轉移到工作和事業上面,反而能夠先建立起去面對人際關係困境的自信。
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根據自我決定理論(self-determination theory),一個人的幸福感(psychological well-being)奠基於三件事情:
-自主(autonomy):你可以自由的決定和選擇你想要的事情。
-勝任感(competence):在工作或事業上面獲得某種成就,讓你覺得有價值。
-人際連結(relatedness) :你和其他人的關係讓你有安穩、歸屬、支持的感覺。
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所以,如果你真的覺得很難對自己有自信、在人際關係當中缺乏安全感,那麼逃避並不可恥而且有用,花點時間在自己有興趣的事情上面(就是前面的Competence),讓你的人生先過得有一點樂趣,再來建立自己的安全感也不遲。
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如果你想去面對,那些曾經讓你覺得痛苦萬分的事,那麼你會發現這些面對,後來都有可能成為讓你成長的養分;
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如果你還沒有勇氣面對,有時候退後一步,就能夠看得更清楚,就算是暫時逃避那些沒有辦法解決的事情,把力氣花在能夠讓你感動的事情上,那些原先就屬於自己的能量,就會一點一滴的慢慢發亮。
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前幾天晚上,我花了很長的時間跟我另外一個同是是唸心理學而且也在面臨畢業論文焦慮的朋友Y聊了一段洗滌心靈的天,其中有一句話我覺得很像是樹木老奶奶的心情,反覆讀了幾遍都像是內心被熨斗燙過一樣,寫在這裡送給大家:
「最好的歸宿是自己的心。當你能夠安穩地棲息在自己的心上,才會有愛人的餘力。」——Y,2019,中秋。
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月圓人團圓,就算無法跟相愛的人團圓,期待你能夠在這樣一個特別的季節裡,和內心真正的、自在的自己好好團圓。
#平諮商資源整理 https://link.medium.com/ayh2AZ1E1Z
——
#買這本書
#樹木希林 #離開時以我喜歡的樣子
遠流出版社
https://www.books.com.tw/products/0010828723
self-esteem theory 在 程威銓.海苔熊 Youtube 的精選貼文
這個影片用「自我驗證」(self verification theory)來說明為什麼你總是習慣活在「覺得自己不好」的影子裡面。(影片裡面一直講錯成「自我肯證」XD,那是另外一個專有名詞 Self affirmation),相關研究可以參考:
Sedikides, C., & Strube, M. J. (1995). The multiply motivated self. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 21(12), 1330-1335.
Chang, E. C. (2008). Self-criticism and self-enhancement: Theory, research, and clinical implications. American Psychological Association.
Wood, J. V., Heimpel, S. A., Manwell, L. A., & Whittington, E. J. (2009). This mood is familiar and I don't deserve to feel better anyway: mechanisms underlying self-esteem differences in motivation to repair sad moods. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(2), 363.
或快一點可看維基百科詞條: https://ppt.cc/fpyKjx
*本片案例經捏造變換,並無可供指認之虞。
self-esteem theory 在 bubzbeauty Youtube 的最佳解答
Ello Ello everyone!
A very special subscriber asked me this million dollar question. Why are girls so mean?
Not that only girls are mean but why do we have such a bad reputation for being mouthy? I have my own little theory.
Girls or guys. We are still human. We're not perfect. People who hurt others, are hurt themselves.
How do you deal with mean people?
Are you a mean girl without even realising?
Are we hypocrites?
I hope in this video, we will learn to see ourselves clearly. I hope it inspires you to understand more and love more.
Let's continue build one another and empower each other.
Hope you guys enjoyed this Girl Talk episode. I know it's been a while since I made one hehee.. Have a great weekend my friends. I'm gonna have an early night.
Love, Bubz xx
Connect with me:
MY WEBSITE: http://www.bubzbeauty.com
TWITTER: http://www.twitter.com/bubzbeauty
INSTAGRAM: http://www.instagram.com/itsbubz
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FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/itsbubz
SHOP: http://www.shopbubbi.com
Subscribe to my Vlog channel for daily doses of Bubz, Chubbi, Domo & Tim:
http://www.youtube.com/bubzvlogz
self-esteem theory 在 The Antidote to Low Self-Esteem | Alicia Thompson 的推薦與評價
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