關於 something in my heart meaning ，我們在網路上蒐集到這些相關的討論、資訊與評價

［翻轉視界 8］逃離禁錮之地：離開北韓我學會自由與憐憫
　
“If you don't know the words, that means you don't understand the concept, and therefore, you don't even realize that concept is even a possibility.” —— human rights activist Yeonmi Park。
　
「如果你不知道某些詞彙，那就意味著你並不了解某些概念，因此你也不會意識到，那些概念可以是一種可能。」——人權鬥士朴延美
　
對出逃前的她而言，自由與溫飽是很奢侈的理念，更無法了解「愛」的全貌。當我們無法得知世界發生了什麼，無法想像那超越自身認知的世界，我們便無法真正地同理他人。今天我想邀請大家，以不同的角度，重新感受自由、溫飽與愛的可貴。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
I was born in 1993 in the northern part of North Korea, in a town called Hyesan, which is on the border with China. I had loving parents and one older sister. Before I was even 10 years old, my father was sent to a labor camp for engaging in illegal trading. Now, by "illegal trading" -- he was selling clogs, sugar, rice and later copper to feed us. In 2007, my sister and I decided to escape. She was 16 years old, and I was 13 years old.
　
1. on the border with 鄰近邊界
2. labor camp 勞改營
3. illegal trading 非法的交易
　
１９９３年我出生在北韓的北部，一個名叫惠山的小鎮，鄰近中國邊界。我有愛我的父母與一位姐姐。在我１０歲大的時候，父親就被送去勞改營，因為他非法買賣一些東西。所謂的非法買賣，其實他是賣一些木鞋、糖、米，之後還賣了銅，只為了餵飽我們。２００７年，姐姐和我決定逃跑。她當時１６歲，而我１３歲。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
I need you to understand what the word "escape" means in the context of North Korea. We were all starving, and hunger means death in North Korea. So it was the only option for us. I didn't even understand the concept of escape, but I could see the lights from China at night, and I wondered if I go where the light is, I might be able to find a bowl of rice. It's not like we had a grand plan or maps. We did not know anything about what was going to happen. Imagine your apartment building caught fire. I mean, what would you do? Would you stay there to be burned, or would you jump off out of the window and see what happens? That's what we did. We jumped out of the house instead of the fire.
　
4. in the context of 在⋯⋯的情境中
5. concept 概念；觀念；思想
6. a grand plan 一個遠大的計畫
7. catch fire 著火
　
你們要知道，「逃跑」這兩字在北韓意味著什麼。我們天天挨餓，而飢餓在北韓意味著死亡。所以逃跑是我們唯一的選擇。我當時還不了解逃跑是什麼意思，但晚上我能看見中國那邊的燈光，我想著如果我能到有光的地方，也許就能找到一碗飯。我們沒有什麼遠大的計畫或地圖。我們完全不知道，接下來會發生什麼事。想像一下，你的公寓失火了，你會怎麼辦？你會坐以待斃，還是跳窗然後再看著辦？我們就是那樣。我們從大樓上跳了下來， 而不是等火燒上來。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
North Korea is unimaginable. It's very hard for me when people ask me what it feels like to live there. To be honest, I tell you: you can't even imagine it. The words in any language can't describe, because it's a totally different planet, as you cannot imagine your life on Mars right now. For example, the word "love" has only one meaning: love for the Dear Leader. There's no concept of romantic love in North Korea. And if you don't know the words, that means you don't understand the concept, and therefore, you don't even realize that concept is even a possibility.
　
8. unimaginable 無法想像
9. no concept of... 沒有⋯的概念
10. romantic love 浪漫愛
　
北韓是難以想像的。對我來說，要回答住在北韓是什麼感覺，非常困難。老實說，我可以告訴各位——你無從想像。沒有任何語言可以描述，因為那是個截然不同的星球，就像你現在無法想像自己在火星上的生活一樣。比如說，「愛」只有一個意思：愛偉大的領袖。在北韓沒有那種浪漫之愛的概念。如果你不知道某些詞彙，那就意味著你並不了解某些概念，因此你也不會意識到，那些概念可以是一種可能。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
Let me give you another example. Growing up in North Korea, we truly believed that our Dear Leader is an almighty god who can even read my thoughts. I was even afraid to think in North Korea. We are told that he's starving for us, and he's working tirelessly for us, and my heart just broke for him. When I escaped to South Korea, people told me that he was actually a dictator, he had cars, many, many resorts, and he had an ultraluxurious life. And then I remember looking at a picture of him, realizing for the first time that he is the largest guy in the picture. And it hit me. Finally, I realized he wasn't starving. But I was never able to see that before, until someone told me that he was fat.
　
11. an almighty god 一個全能的神
12. tirelessly 不屈不撓地；堅忍地
13. a dictator 獨裁者
14. it hit me 突然想到、意識到 
15. resort 度假地（此處係指北韓獨裁者有很多度假別墅）
16. ultraluxurious 極其奢華的
17. have a…life 過著⋯⋯的生活
　
讓我再舉一個例子。在北韓長大，我們真心相信我們偉大的領袖是全能的神，他甚至能看穿我在想什麼。我在北韓甚至不敢思考。我們聽說他為我們挨餓、不眠不休地為我們工作，而我為此感到心痛。我逃到南韓後，有人跟我說他其實是獨裁者，他有很多車、很多很多渡假別墅，他的生活極為奢華。我記得自己看著一張有他的照片，第一次意識到他是照片裡體型最大的那個。這件事讓我大受打擊。那時我才終於了解，他沒有挨餓。但我以前總無法看清這些，直到有人跟我說他很胖，我才恍然大悟。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
Really, someone had to teach me that he was fat. If you have never practiced critical thinking, then you simply see what you're told to see. The biggest question also people ask me is: "Why is there no revolution inside North Korea? Are we dumb? Why is there no revolution for 70 years of this oppression?" And I say: If you don't know you're a slave, if you don't know you're isolated or oppressed, how do you fight to be free? I mean, if you know you're isolated, that means you are not isolated. Not knowing is the true definition of isolation, and that's why I never knew I was isolated when I was in North Korea. I literally thought I was in the center of the universe.
　
18. critical thinking 批判性思考
19. revolution 革命
20. dumb 愚蠢的*
21. oppression 壓迫；壓制；欺壓
22. isolated and oppressed 與世隔絕的與被壓迫的
　
真的，要有人教我，他這樣叫做胖。如果你沒學過批判性思考，你看到的就只會是別人跟你說的。其他人對我提出的大哉問還有：「為何北韓沒有革命？我們傻嗎？為何歷經７０年的壓迫，卻沒人發動革命？」我回答：「如果你不知道自己是奴隸，不知道自己被與世隔絕、壓迫，你要如何為自由而戰？我的意思是，如果你知道自己被與世隔絕，那就表示你並非真的與世隔絕。與世隔絕的真正定義是無知，所以我從不知道，在北韓的我與世隔絕。我真的以為我們是宇宙的中心。

*dumb: https://bit.ly/3fG5XOk
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
So here is my idea worth spreading: a lot of people think humans inherently know what is right and wrong, the difference between justice and injustice, what we deserve and we don't deserve. I tell them: BS. Everything, everything must be taught, including compassion. If I see someone dying on the street right now, I will do anything to save that person. But when I was in North Korea, I saw people dying and dead on the streets. I felt nothing. Not because I'm a psychopath, but because I never learned the concept of compassion. Only, I felt compassion, empathy and sympathy in my heart after I learned the word "compassion" and the concept, and I feel them now.
　
23. inherently 與生俱來地
24. justice and injustice 正義與不義
25. psychopath 精神病患者
26. compassion, empathy and sympathy 憐憫、同理與同情*
　
我覺得值得分享的想法是：很多人以為，人類生來就能分辨是非對錯，懂得正義與邪惡的差別，我們值得被怎樣對待。我跟他們說：放屁。所有的事，所有的事都得經過教導，包含憐憫。如果我現在看見有人在路邊奄奄一息，我會不顧一切來救他。但我在北韓的時候，會眼睜睜看著有人橫死街頭，卻沒有任何感覺。並非因為我是心理病態，而是我從未學過憐憫的概念。只有在我的內心感受到憐憫、同理與同情，我才學會「憐憫」一詞與其概念，而如今我已能感受到這些。
　
*compassion: a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and a wish to help them

empathy: the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation

sympathy: (an expression of) understanding and care for someone else's suffering
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
Now I live in the United States as a free person.
　
現在我以自由人的身分住在美國。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
And recently, the leader of the free country, our President Trump, met with my former god. And he decided human rights is not important enough to include in his agendas, and he did not talk about it. And it scares me. We live in a world right now where a dictator can be praised for executing his uncle, for killing his half brother, killing thousands of North Koreans. And that was worthy of praise. And also it made me think: perhaps we all need to be taught something new about freedom now. Freedom is fragile. I don't want to alarm you, but it is. It only took three generations to make North Korea into George Orwell's "1984." It took only three generations. If we don't fight for human rights for the people who are oppressed right now who don't have a voice, as free people here, who will fight for us when we are not free? Machines? Animals? I don't know.
　
27. agenda 議程
28. be praised for 因⋯⋯獲得讚揚
29. execute (v.) 處決
30. worthy of sth 適合某物或具有某物的特徵
31. fragile 脆弱
　
最近，自由國度的領袖，我們的川普總統，和我以前的神會面。他認定，人權沒那麼重要，不需排進議程中，所以對此他隻字不提。這嚇壞我了。我們竟身在一個獨裁者處決伯父還能獲得讚揚的世界裡，他殺害同父異母的哥哥、殺害成千上萬的北韓人民，竟還能得到讚揚。這不禁使我開始思考，也許我們現在都要學習自由的新涵義。自由很脆弱。我不想嚇你，但事實如此。短短三個世代，就讓北韓淪為喬治．歐威爾筆下的《１９８４》。只花了三個世代。如果我們不為人權而戰，不為受壓迫、不為無法發聲的人而戰，當身為自由人的我們不自由時，誰還願意為我們而戰？機器嗎？動物嗎？我不知道。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
I think it's wonderful that we care about climate change, animal rights, gender equality, all of these things. The fact that we care about animals' rights, that means that's how beautiful our heart is, that we care about someone who cannot speak for themselves. And North Koreans right now cannot speak for themselves. They don't have internet in the 21st century. We don't have electricity, and it is the darkest place on earth right now. Now I want to say something to my fellow North Koreans who are living in that darkness. They might not believe this, but I want to tell them that an alternative life is possible. Be free.
　
32. speak for oneself 為某人發聲
33. alternative life 另一種生活
　
我覺得我們能關心氣候變遷、動物權益、性別平等諸如此類之事，真的很美好。因為，我們關心動物權益，就代表了我們的心地有多善良，也代表我們關心無法為自己發聲的對象。北韓人民現在無法為自己發聲。身處２１世紀的他們，沒有網路可用。我們沒有電，那裡是當今地球上最暗的地方。現在我想告訴那些生活在北韓黑暗中的同胞。也許他們不會相信我，但我想告訴他們，生命仍有其他可能——意即自由的生活。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
From my experience, literally anything is possible. I was bought, I was sold as a slave. But now I'm here, and that is why I believe in miracles. The one thing that I learned from history is that nothing is forever in this world. And that is why we have every reason to be hopeful. Thank you.
　
34. slave 奴隸
35. miracle 奇蹟
　
就我的經驗，真的什麼事都有可能發生。我被人買走，賣給別人當奴隸。但我現在在這裡，這也就是為什麼我相信奇蹟。我從歷史上學到的一件事，就是世上沒有什麼是永恆的。而這也是我們無論如何都能懷有希望的原因。謝謝大家。
　
資訊出處：https://bit.ly/32p5HiK
　
圖片出處：https://bit.ly/32n2zEe
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
如何增進同理心：https://bit.ly/34qSKnC
　
#ChangingPerspectives
#翻轉視界

★★★★★★★★★★★★

翻轉視界系列文章: https://bit.ly/3fPvKUs

Our collective emotional memory (Lee Yee)

I was most humbly quoting British writer Rushdie’s words yesterday “Don’t be dominated by fear, even if you are afraid”, and was asked by someone: how to be afraid but not be dominated by fear?

When I came across this phrase 19 years ago, I vaguely felt that it could be a wake-up call. It was my experience in Hong Kong since June last year that taught me what it truly means by to be afraid yet not be dominated by fear. Most young people at the frontline admitted that they were “very afraid”, but were reluctant to leave their brothers and sisters behind in order to save themselves. As such, the persistence to pursue freedom freed them from being dominated by fear.

Some pro-Beijing media accused me of inciting young people to go to the frontlines, while I am hiding at the back. As more accusations are being thrown around, more fellow comrades also started to believe it, and said on certain media that some “not so young persons” are making these attempts. I never cared how people view me, because how I view myself has always been more important. In a recent interview, I said that when I watched those young people in the frontlines, I was very worried. In my heart I was telling them not to do it, it is too dangerous. Yet I do not say it out loud. I understand that young people can only achieve the feeling of freedom through fighting, to realize that freedom, and only those in the frontlines would truly grasp the meaning of fellow comrades and the special relationships among brothers and sisters. I never wrote any essay giving young people instructions. I’ve only expressed understand and respect afterwards. It is from them that I learned the courage of freedom that is “to be afraid yet not to be dominated by fear”.

A friend, who was taking pictures on the streets, was intercepted by a dirty cop who threatened to arrest her. She yelled at the dirty cop, and left. In private, she told me she was “really afraid”, yet could not help but yell back. This is exactly “don’t be dominated by fear, even if you are afraid”.

This is the emotional experience shared by many Hongkongers since last year. This is a collective emotional memory.

Another memory is “pain”. Raymond Yeung, the teacher who was shot in the right eye by the police’s tear gas last year on June 12, said in a recent interview that he is actually very afraid of pain. “If on that June 12 morning you had told me I would lose an eye if I were to go out…even if you had told me I would be hit by tear gas, I might not have gone out, let alone losing a whole eye.” The endurance of pain is not an innate ability, but something acquired, something that the Hong Kong community has acquired altogether. He said that when people watch clips of police brutality, their hearts ache, but they also know that this is a rite of passage to go through together. As he considered that, he felt like his pain was being shared and distributed. To quote Brian Leung Kai-ping, “what truly connects Hongkongers is pain.”

Those who did not experience physical pain were perhaps all experience emotional pain through the screen. This pain, is our collective memory. To feel pain, one is a true Hongkonger, or else…

In addition, two other strong emotions felt by Hongkongers were anger and disgust. After witnessing fear and pain on media images, the Scared Liar Conference in the following day would bring anger and disgust, not to mention the faces of those Hong Kong Communists and pro-Beijing politicians. Every time I see them on screen, I think of Lu Xun’s words, “If the mask is worn for too long, it grows on the face, to take it off would be digging into the skin, the bones, and the muscles.”

No, they won’t take these masks off themselves. Yet having witnessed the history of the CCP, there are bound to be a chance to prove them wrong and to dig into the skin, the bones, and the muscles. Hongkongers probably wish to witness this moment.

A friend said that he wished to leave Hong Kong not because of the fear and the pain, but the anger and the disgust. I totally get him. Unless one makes it a habit to live under this blanket of lies, otherwise no normal people would find this easy to swallow.

It is logically to leave due to fear of the threats on security, but anger and disgust are not threats. To live, one must slowly let go of these emotions, but definitely not to forget the events that brought such fear and disgust.

Article 29 (5) of the National Security Law: “provoking by unlawful means hatred among Hong Kong residents towards the Central People’s Government or the Government of the Region, which is likely to cause serious consequences.” Hatred, as an emotion, had nothing to do with the crime; yet we know and will remember who and what were “provoking by unlawful means hatred among Hong Kong residents”, which was indeed a behavior of a criminal organization.

Fear, pain, anger, and disgust – Hongkongers’ collective emotional memory since last year.

My sister, Michelle-Ann Iking's 3% chance of conceiving naturally was a success! Here's her story:

(My apologies as I've been overwhelmed with personal matters. I've only managed to get to my desk. So finally got around posting this).

This is the story behind my sister's pregnancy struggle and how she shared her journey over her Facebook page.

Because some may have not caught her LIVE session chat with me (https://www.facebook.com/daphneiking/videos/687743128744960/) , or read her lengthy post (as it's a private page);
she's allowed me to copy and paste it over my wall, in case you need to know more about her thought process on how AND why she focused on the 3% success probability. Read on.

-------------------------------------------

Posted 10th May 2020.
FB Credit: Michelle-Ann Iking

A week ago today I celebrated becoming a mother to our second, long awaited child.

Please forgive this mother's LONG (self-indulgent) post, journalling what this significant milestone has meant for her personally, for her own fallible memory's sake as well as maybe to share one day with her son.

If all you were wondering was whether I had delivered and if mum and bub are OK, please be assured the whole KkLM family are thriving tremendously, and continue scrolling right along your Newsfeed 😁.

OUR 3% MIRACLE

All babies are miracles... and none more so than our precious Kiaen Aaryan (pronounced KEY-n AR-yen), whose name derives from Sanskrit origins meaning:

Grace of God
Spiritual
Kind
Benevolent

...words espousing the gratitude Kishore and I feel for Kiaen's arrival as our "3% miracle".

He was conceived, naturally, after 3 years of Kishore and I hoping, praying and 'endeavoring'... and only couples for whom the objective switches from pure recreation to (elusive) procreation will understand how this is less fun than it sounds ...

3 years during which time we had consensus from 3 different doctors that we, particularly I (with my advancing age etc etc) had only a 3% chance of natural conception and that our best hope for a sibling for our firstborn, Lara Anoushka, was via IVF.

Lara herself was an 'intervention baby', being one of the 20% of babies successfully conceived through the less intrusive IUI process, after a year and a half of trying naturally and already being told then my age was a debilitating factor.

We had tried another round of IUI for her sibling in 2017 when Lara was a year old. And that time we fell into the ranks of the 80% of would-be parents for whom it would be an exercise in futility... who would go home, comfort each other as best they could, while individually masking their own personal disappointment... hoping for the best, 'the next time around'...

So the improbability ratio of 97% against natural conception of our second baby, as concurred by the combined opinion of 3 medical professionals, was a very real, very daunting figure for us to have to mentally deal with.

Deep, DEEP, down in my heart however, though I had many a day of doubt... I kept a core kernel of faith that somehow, I would again experience the privilege of pregnancy, and again, have a chance at childbirth.

And so, the optimist in me would tell myself, "Well, there have to be people who fall in the 3% bucket... why shouldn't WE be part of the 3%?"

Those who know me well, understand my belief in the Law of Attraction, the philosophy of focusing your mind only on what you want to attract, not on what you don't want, and so even as Kishore and I prepared to go into significant personal debt to attempt IVF in the 2nd half of 2019, I marshalled a last ditch effort to hone in on that 3% chance of natural conception... through research coming across fertility supplements that I ordered from the US and sent to a friend in Singapore to redirect to me because the supplier would not deliver to Malaysia.

I made us as a couple take the supplements in the 3 month 'priming period' in the lead up to the IVF procedure - preconditioning our bodies for optimum results, if you will.

At the same time, I had invested in a sophisticated fertility monitor, with probes and digital sensors for daily tracking of saliva and other unmentionable fluid samples, designed to pinpoint with chemical accuracy my state of fertility on any given day.

(UPDATE: For those interested - I obtained the supplements and Ovacue Fertility Monitor from https://www.fairhavenhealth.com/. Though I had my supplies delivered to a friend in Singapore, and redirected to me here since the US site does not deliver to Malaysia, there are local distributors for these products, you will just have to research the trustworthiness of the vendors yourself...)

I had set an intention - in the 3 months of pre-IVF priming, I would consume what seemed like a pharmacy's worth of supplements, and track fertility religiously... in hopes that somehow, within the 3 month priming period, we would conceive naturally and potentially save ourselves a down payment on a new property... and this was just a projection on financial costs of IVF, not even considering the physical, emotional and mental toll it involves, with no guarantee of a baby at the end of it all...

It was a continuation of an intention embedded even with my first pregnancy, where all the big ticket baby items were consciously purchased for use by a future sibling, in gender neutral colours, in hopes that sibling would be a brother "for a balanced pair", though of course any healthy child would be a welcome blessing.

It was a very conscious determination to always skew my thoughts in service of what the end objective was. For example, when 3+year old Lara would innocently express impatience at not yet having a sibling, at one point suggesting that since we were "taking too long to give her a baby brother/sister", perhaps we should just "go buy a baby from a shop", instead of getting defensive or berating the baby that she herself was, we enlisted Lara's help to pray for her sibling... so in any place of worship, or sacred ground of any kind that we passed thereon, Lara would stop, close her eyes, bow her small head and place her tiny hands together in prayer, reciting earnestly, "Please God, please give me a baby brother or baby sister."

After months and months of watching Lara do this, in the constancy of her childlike chant, Kishore started feeling the pressure of possibly disappointing Lara if her prayer was not answered. Whereas for me, Lara's recitation of her simple wish became like a strengthening mantra, our collective intention imbued with greater power with each repetition, and the goal of a sibling kept very much in the forefront of our minds (hence our calling Lara our 'project manager' in this endeavour).

And somehow in the 2nd month of that 3 month period, a positive + sign appeared on one of the home pregnancy tests I had grown accustomed to taking - my version of the lottery tickets others keep buying in hopes of hitting the jackpot, with all the cyclical anticipation and more often than not, disappointment, that entails...

This time however I was not disappointed.

With God's Grace, (hence 'Kiaen', a variation of 'Kiaan' which means 'Grace of God'), my focus on our joining the ranks of the 3% had materialised.

It seems poetic then, that Kiaen chose to make his appearance on the 3rd May, ironically the same date that his paternal great-grandfather departed this world for the next... such that in the combined words of Kishore and his father Kai Vello Suppiah,

"The 1st generation Suppiah left on 3rd May and the 4th generation Suppiah arrived on 3rd May after 41yrs...
One leaves, another comes, the legacy lives on..."

***

KIAEN AARYAN SUPPIAH'S BIRTH STORY

On Sunday 3rd May, I was 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

The baby was, in my mind, very UN-fashionably late past his due date of 29th April, so as much as I had willed and 'manifested' the privilege of pregnancy, to say I was keen to be done with it all was an understatement.

In the weeks leading to up to my full term, I had experienced increasingly intense Braxton-Hicks 'practice contractions' - annoying for me for the discomfort involved, stressful for Kishore who was on tenterhooks with the false alarms, on constant alert for when we would actually need to leave home for the hospital.

Having become a Hypnobirthing student and advocate from my first pregnancy with Lara, and thus being equipped with
(1) a lack of fear about childbirth in general and
(2) a basic understanding of how all the sensations I would experience fit into the big picture of my body bringing our baby closer to us,
I was less stressed - content to wait for the baby to be "fully cooked" and come out whenever he was ready... though I wouldn't have minded at all if the cooking time ended sooner, rather than later.

With Lara, I had been somewhat 'forced' into an induced labour, even though she was not yet due, and that had resulted in a 5 DAY LABOUR, a Birth Story for another post, so I was not inclined to chemically induce labour, even though I was assured that for second time mothers, it would be 'much faster and easier'...

That morning, I had a hunch *maybe* that day was the day, because in contrast to previous weeks' sensations of tightening, pressure and even spasms that were concentrated in the front of my abdomen and occasionally shot through my sides and legs, I felt period - like cramping in my lower back which I had not felt before throughout the pregnancy.

It was about 8am in the morning then, and my 'surges' were still relatively mild ('surges' being Hypnobirthing - speak for 'contractions', designed to frame them with the more positive connotations needed to counteract common language in which childbirth is presented as something that is unequivocally painful and traumatic, instead of the miraculous, powerful and natural phenomenon it actually is).

I recall (masochistically?) entertaining the thought of opting NOT to have an epidural JUST TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE...

I figured this would be the last time I would be pregnant and so it would be my 'last chance' to experience 'drug free labour' which, apart from the health benefits for baby and mother, might be *interesting* in a way that people who are curious about what getting a tattoo and skydiving and bungee jumping are like, might find these *interesting*...even knowing there will be pain and risk involved...

Since I have tried tattoos and skydiving (unfortunately not being able to squeeze in bungee-jumping while my life was purely my own to risk at no dependents' possible detriment) a similar curiousity about a no-epidural labour was on my mind...

In the absence of other signs of the onset of labour (like 'bloody show' or my waters breaking), I wanted to wait until the surges were coming every few minutes before we actually left the house for the hospital, not wanting to be one of those couples who rushed in too early and had interminable waits for the next stage in unfamiliar, clinical surroundings and/or were made to go home in an anti-climatic manner.

I was even calm enough through my surges to have the presence of mind to wash and blowdry my hair, knowing if I did deliver soon I would not be allowed this luxury for a while.

Around 9am I asked Kishore to prep for Lara and himself to be dressed and breakfasted so we could head to hospital soon, while I sent messages to family members on both sides informing them 'today might be the day.'

My mother, who had briefly served as a midwife before going back into general nursing and then becoming a nursing tutor, prophetically stated that if what I was experiencing was true labour, "the baby would be out by noon".

The pace in which my surges grew closer together was surprisingly quicker than I expected; and while I asked Lara to "Hurry up with breakfast" with only a tad more urgency than we normally tell her to do, little Missy being prone to dilly-dallying at meals, I probably freaked Kishore out when about 930am onwards, I had to instinctively get on my hands and knees a couple of times, eyes closed, trying to practice the Hypnobirthing breathing techniques I had revised to help along the process of my body birthing our child into the world.

I recall him saying a bit frantically as I knelt at our front door, doubled over as he waited for Lara to complete something or other, "Lara hurry up! Can't you see Mama is in so much pain and you are taking your own sweet time??!!"

SIDETRACK: Just the night before, Lara and I had watched a TV show in which a woman gave birth with the usual histrionics accompanying pop culture depictions of labour.

Lara watched the scene, transfixed.

I told her, simply and matter-of-factly, "That's what Mama has to do to get baby brother out Lara, and that's what I had to do for you also."

In most of interactions with my daughter, I have sought to equip her to face life's situations with calmness, truthful common sense, and ideally a minimum of drama.

Those who know the dramatic diva that Lara can be will know that this is a work-in-progress, but her response to me that night showed me some of my 'teachings' were sinking in:

She looked at me unfazed, "But Mama," she said. "You won't cry and scream like that lady, right? You will be BRAVE and stay calm, right?"
#nopressure.

So as we prepped to leave for the hospital I did indeed attempt to be that role model of calm for her, asking her only for her help in keeping very quiet,
"Because Mama needs to focus on bringing baby brother out and she needs quiet to concentrate...".

As we left the house at 10.11am, I texted Kishore's sister Geetha to please prep to pick up Lara from the hospital, and was grateful Kishore had the foresight to ask our gynae to prepare a letter for Geetha to show any police roadblocks between my in-laws' home in Subang Jaya and the hospital in Bangsar, this all happening under the Movement Control Order (MCO).

To Lara's credit, in the journey over to the hospital, she - probably sensing the gravity of the situation, sat very quietly in her seat at the back, and the silence was punctuated only by my occasional deep intakes of breath and some variation of my Ohmmm-like moans when the sensations were at their height.

By the time we got to Pantai Hospital at around 10.30am, my surges were strong enough I requested a wheelchair to assist me in getting to the labour ward, as I did not trust my own legs to support me... and Kishore would have to wait until Geetha had arrived to take Lara back to my in-laws' house before he himself could go up.

I slumped in the wheelchair and was wheeled up to the labour room with my eyes closed the whole time, trying to handle my surges.

I didn't even look up to see the attendant who pushed me... but did make the effort to thank him sincerely when he handed me over, with what seemed like a palpable sense of relief on his part, to the labour ward nurses.

The nurse attending me at Pantai was calm, steady and efficient. I answered some questions and changed into my labour gown while waiting for Kishore to come up, all the while managing the increasingly intense surges with my rusty Hypnobirthing breathing techniques.

By the time Kishore joined me at around 11am (I know these timings based on the timestamps of the 'WhatsApp live feed' of messages Kishore sent to his family), I was asking the nurse on duty, "How soon can I get an epidural??" thinking what crazy woman thought she could do this without drugs???!!!

The nurse checked my cervix dilation, I saw her bloodied glove indicating my mucous plug had dislodged, and she told me, "Well you are already at 7cm (which, for the uninitiated, is 70% of the way to the 10cm dilation needed for birthing), you are really doing well, if you made it this far without any drugs, if can you try and manage without it... I suspect within 2 hours or less you will deliver your baby and since it will take about that time for the anaesthesiologist to be called, epidural to be administered and kick in... it might all be for nothing... but of course the decision is completely up to you... "

So there I was, super torn, should I risk the sensations becoming worse... or risk the epidural becoming a waste?? And of course I was trying to decide this as my labour surges were coming at me stronger and stronger...

I was in such a dilemma...because as a 'recovering approval junkie' there was also a silly element of approval-seeking involved, ("The nurse thinks I can do this without drugs... maybe I CAN do this without drugs... Yay me!") mixed with that element of curiosity I mentioned earlier ("What if I actually CAN do this without drugs... plenty of other women have done it all over the world since time immemorial.. no big deal, how bad can it be...??") so then I thought I would use the financial aspect to be the 'tiebreaker' in my decision making...

I asked the nurse how much an epidural would cost and when she replied "Around MYR1.5k", I still remember Kishore's incredulous face as I asked the question, i.e."Seriously babe, you are gonna think about money right now? If you need the epidural TAKE IT, don't worry about the money!!!"... and while we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, thankfully RM1.5k is not a quantum that made me swing towards a decision to "better save the money"...

So in the end, I guess my curiosity won out, and I turned down the epidural "just to see what it would be like and if I had it in me" (in addition of course to avoiding the side effects of any drugs introduced into my and the baby's body).

My labour occuring in the time of coronavirus, it was protocol for me to have a COVID19 test done, so the medical staff could apply the necessary precautions. I had heard from a friend Sharon Ruba that the test procedure was uncomfortable, so when the nurse came with the test kit as I was starting another surge, I asked, "Please can I just finish this surge before I do the test?" as I really didn't think I could multitask tackling multiple uncomfortable sensations in one go.

The COVID19 test involved what felt like a looong, skinny cotton bud being inserted into one nostril... I definitely felt more than a tickle as it went in and up, being told to take deep breaths by the nurse. Then she asked me to "Try to swallow" and I felt it go into my nasal cavities where I didn't think anything could go any further, but was proven wrong when she asked me to swallow again and the swab was probed even deeper. Then she warned me there would be some slight discomfort as she prepared to collect a sample... but at that point all I could think about was:

(i) I really don't have much of a choice
(ii) please let this be over before my next surge kicks in
(iii) if all the people breaking the MCO rules knew what it feels like to do this test maybe they won't put themselves at risk of the need to perform one...

In full disclosure as I was transferred into the actual delivery room at some point after 11am, another nurse offered me 'laughing gas' to ostensibly take some of the edge off... I took the self-operated breathing nozzle passed to me but don't recall it making any difference to my sensations..so didn't use it much as it seemed pretty pointless.

I recall some measure of relief when I heard my gynae Dr. Paul entering the room, greeting Kishore and me, and telling us it was going well and it wouldn't be long now and he would see us again shortly.

From my previous labour with Lara I knew the midwives pretty much take you 90% of the way through the labour and when the Dr is called in you are really at the home stretch, so was very relieved to hear his voice though knowing he would leave and come back later meant it wasn't quite over yet.

I do remember realising when I had crossed the Thinning and Opening Phase of labour to the Birthing Phase, by the change in sensations... it is still amazing to me that as the Hypnobirthing book mentioned, having this knowledge I was instinctively able to switch breathing techniques for the next stage of labour .

Was my opting against epidural the right choice for me?

Overall? Yes.

Don't get me wrong.

I *almost* regretted the decision several times during active labour... especially when I felt my body being taken over by an overwhelming compulsion to push that did not seem conscious and was accompanied by involuntary gutteral moans where I literally just thought to myself, "I surrender, God do with me what you will..." (super dramatic I know but VERY real at the time...).

I think I experienced 3-4 such natural explusive reflexes (?), rhythmically pushing the baby down the birth path, one of which was accompanied by what felt like a swoosh of water coming out of a hose with a diameter the size of a golf ball... this was when I realised my water had finally broken...

The nurses kept instructing me to do different things, to keep breathing, to move to my side, then to move to the middle, to raise my feet... and when I didn't comply, Kishore (who was with me throughout both my labours) tried to help them by repeating the instructions prefaced with "Sayang..." but I basically ignored all the intructions because I felt I had no capacity to direct any part of my body to do anything and someone else would have to physically manoeuvre that body part themselves.

When I heard Dr. Paul's voice again and the flurry of commotion surrounding his presence, I knew the time was close... and when I heard the nurse say to Kishore, "Sir, these are your gloves, for when you cut the baby's cord", it was music to my ears...

I'm very, VERY grateful Kiaen slid out after maybe the 4th of those involuntary pushes... the wave of RELIEF when he came out so quickly... it still boggles my mind that my mother was essentially right and as his birth time was 12.02pm, it was *only* about 1.5 hours between our arrival at the hospital and his arrival into the world.

Kiaen was placed on my chest for skin to skin bonding and remained there for a considerable time.

For our short stay in the hospital he would be with us in my maternity ward number C327... another trivially serendipitous sign for me because he was born on the 3rd (May) and our wedding anniversary is 27th (July).

I was discharged the following day 4th May at about 5.30pm, after I got an all clear on COVID19 and a paediatric surgeon did a small procedure on Kiaen to address a tongue-tie that would affect his breastfeeding latch... making the entire duration of our stay about 31 hours.

I have taken the time and effort to record all this down so that whenever life's challenges threaten to get me down I can remind myself, "Ignore the 97% failure probability, focus on the 3% success probability".

Also that the human condition is miraculous and it is such a privilege to experience it.

To our son Kiaen Aaryan, thank you for coming into our lives and choosing us as your parents.

Even though Papa and I are both zombies trying to settle into a night time feeding routine with you, I look forward to spending not only all future Mother's Days, but every day, with you and your Akka...

And last but not least, to my husband Kishore...without whom none of this would be possible - we did it sayang, I love you ❤️

Photo credit: Stayhome session with Samantha Yong Photography (http://samanthayong.com/)

《Midnight Sun》
Cold Sun / 冽日
作詞 / Lyricist：aimerrhythm
作曲 / Composer：横山裕章
編曲 / Arranger：玉井健二、大西省吾
歌 / Singer：Aimer
翻譯：夏德爾
English Translation: Thaerin

背景 / Background - danse solitaire - Hiten:
https://www.pixiv.net/artworks/78391247

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Copyright Info:
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Please support the original creator.

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中文翻譯 / Chinese Translation :
https://home.gamer.com.tw/creationDet...

英文翻譯 / English Translation :
https://www.lyrical-nonsense.com/lyri...

日文歌詞 / Japanese Lyrics :
重ねた言葉は何を守るため?
強くなれるだけでいい　答えはもういらない
例えば心は傷を負うだけで
それだけのものだとしたら　悲しいね
それでも空を見上げてる

行き場をなくした月の影　勢いを増した向かい風
知らないどこかで手にした何かは
音を立て　すぐに消えた

そう　世界の片隅で
祈りとか誓いすら意味をなさない
居場所すら忘れ　歩き続けてく

かざした刃は誰を守るため?
強くなれるだけでいい　答えはもういらない
例えば心は傷を負うだけで
それだけのものだとしても　かまわない
それでも空を見上げてる

うつむいたままの景色まで　目に映るものは痛みだけ
知らない誰かに望んだ全ては　今はもう風に消えた

そう　世界はまわるだけ
残された期待なら意味をなさない
求めたものは捨て　歩き続けてく

重ねた言葉は何を守るため?
弱さと向き合うなら　涙はもういらない
「さよなら」「さよなら」くりかえすだけで
それだけの日々だとしたら　悲しいね
それでも空を見上げてる
いまでも星を探してる

夜明けを求めた旅人は
真夜中輝く　青い太陽
傷ついたこと　傷つけたこと
すべて体温(ねつ)にかえるまで　ずっと歩いてく

重ねた言葉は何を守るため?
強くなれるだけでいい　答えはもういらない
かざした刃は誰を守るため?
弱さと向き合うなら　涙はもういらない

心は 心は 傷を負うだけで
それだけのものだとしても　かまわない
それでも空を見上げてる

中文歌詞 / Chinese Lyrics :
那些持續說服自我的話語，是為了堅持什麼？
只要能變得更堅強就好，我們不需要知道那會有什麼結果
假如說，擁有心靈只會背負更多的傷痛
如果心靈真的僅是這樣的東西，那真是令人哀傷
但即使哀傷，我們仍只能仰望著這片天空

失去藏身之所的月影，昏暗的是漸漸加劇的逆風
在不知名的地方，落入手中的那些未知之物
也僅是留下聲音的殘影，轉瞬飛散了

是的，無論是祈禱甚至是誓言
在這角落的世界裡都沒有任何作用
而我們只能一面忘卻自己的棲身之所，一面持續向前

武裝了自己的信念，是為了守護什麼人？
只需變得堅強，答案什麼的就通通捨棄吧
假如說，擁有心靈也只會讓我們背負更多的傷痛
而就算心靈真的僅是這樣的東西，那也無所謂了
我們也僅是追尋著這片天空

從遠處一直到低頭、映入眼簾的都只有痛苦的風景
對著不知名的某人所渴求的那些願望，現在，也全消散在風中了

沒錯，這個世界僅是前進著
若是那些被遺留於身後的期望，那都已經失去意義
捨棄那些曾經追求過的東西，我們，僅須向前

持續鼓舞自己的話語，是為了堅持什麼？
若是要面對自己的懦弱，就捨棄我們的眼淚吧
僅是重複著「再見」與「再見」
若走過的日子僅有這些離別的話，那真是讓人感傷
但即使如此，我們仍追求著這片天空
如今，我們也仍在尋找著星斗

那些追尋黎明的旅人
是於午夜中燃燒青焰的烈日
無論是受了傷的過去，還是傷害了他人的過往
直至將這一切全化作自己的體內的炙熱，他們將一直、一直走下去

累積下來的千言萬語，究竟是為了堅持什麼？
只要能變得更堅強就好，堅強的結果是什麼我們並不需要知道
而武裝了自己的信念，到底是為了與什麼人抗衡？
若是要對抗自己的脆弱，眼淚什麼的我們也已經不再需要

就算，心靈的傷痕只會不斷、不停的增加
縱使心靈就是如此的東西，那都無足畏懼
因為無論如何，我們，都只會持續追尋著這片天空

英文歌詞 / English Lyrics :
Just what are the words I’ve piled up meant to protect?
I’d be satisfied with them merely making me stronger; I don’t need an answer anymore.
But if it were really nothing more,
Than something to cause me pain, it would be so sad;
Nonetheless, I’m still looking up to the sky.

Like the moon’s shadow when it has nowhere left to run, or a headwind increasing in strength,
An unknown thing obtained, in an unknown place, made an audible noise before vanishing.

That’s right: in the corners of the world, prayers and oaths exercise no meaning,
Forgetting where they belong only to walk on endlessly.

Just who is the blade we hold aloft meant to protect?
I’d be satisfied with it merely making me stronger; I don’t need an answer anymore.
But even if it was really nothing more,
Than something to cause me pain, I wouldn’t mind;
I’m still looking up to the sky.

Everything that reflects in my eyes is full of pain, even the scenery I see lying face down,
As the entirety of some unknown person’s desires gets carried away by the wind.

That’s right: just by the world spinning ’round, any hopes still left will exercise no meaning,
Leaving all who sought them to walk on endlessly.

Just what are the words I’ve piled up meant to protect?
If I can face my weaknesses, I’ll no longer have need for tears.
But if these days are to consist of nothing more,
Than repeating, “Farewell!”, “Farewell!”, it would be so sad;
Nonetheless, I’m still looking up to the sky.

Even now, I’m still searching for the stars.

The travelers who sought after the dawn,
Are a pale sun shining at midnight,
Walking on and on,
Until all the pain exchanged to and fro converts to heat.

Just what are the words I’ve piled up meant to protect?
I’d be satisfied with them merely making me stronger; I don’t need an answer anymore.
Just who is the blade we hold aloft meant to protect?
If I can face my weaknesses, I’ll no longer have need for tears.
Even if the only real purpose for this heart,
Is to be wounded, I wouldn’t mind;
I’m still looking up to the sky.

Official BILLbilly01 and PAAM cover of "Homesick" by Dua Lipa and Chris Martin.
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╠╗║╚╝║║╠╗║╚╣║║║║║═╣
╚═╩══╩═╩═╩═╩╝╚╩═╩═╝
☆┌─┐ ┌─┐☆
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┌┴─┴─┐-┘─┘
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"Dua Lipa ft. Chris Martin - Homesick" Lyrics:

Here, where the sky's falling
I'm covered in blue
I'm running and I'm crawling
Fighting for you
When the rain stops
Then, darling, what will I do
And I know I go all in
But why do I
You give me a reason
Something to believe in
I know, I know, I know
You give me a meaning
Something I can breathe in
I know, I know, I know
It's a bittersweet feeling
Longing and I'm leaving
I go, I go, I go
But I wish I was there with you
Oh, I wish I was there with you
There's a crack in my window
A bird in my room
Angels all over
That watch over you
When I'm walking on water
All my dreams have come true
Still, nothing means nothing
Without you, you
You give me a reason
Something to believe in
I know, I know, I know
You give me a meaning
Something I can breathe in
I know, I know, I know
It's a bittersweet feeling
Longing and I'm leaving
I go, I go, I go
Tell my heart to lie
But I know deep inside it's true
That I wish I was there with you
That I wish I was there with you
Oh, I wish I was there with you
You give me a reason
Something to believe in
I know, I know, I know
You give me a meaning
Something I can breathe in
I know, I know, I know
It's a bittersweet feeling
Longing and I'm leaving
I go, I go, I go
Tell my heart to lie
But I know deep inside it's true
That I wish I was there with you
That I wish I was there with you
Oh, I wish I was there with you

今回は映画「君の名は。」主題歌「RADWIMPS」さんの「なんでもないや(英語バージョン)」フル版をカバーしました。

Voはメグ・フェアリーさん。

ご試聴お願いします！

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⬇︎クレジット

・歌（主演）　　　：メグ・フェアリー
・音楽制作　　　　：藤末樹
・映像撮影・編集　：藤末樹
・企画構成　　　　：藤末樹
・コーディネート　：Mark Kobayashi
・プロデュース　　：藤末樹

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⬇︎チャンネル登録はこちら♪

http://bit.ly/MikiFujisue

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⬇︎藤末樹 - Miki Fujisue（SNS）

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Instagram : https://instagram.com/miki.fujisue
Facebook Page : https://facebook.com/Miki.jpn

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⬇︎メグ・フェアリー - Meg Fairy（SNS）

Twitter : https://twitter.com/meg__fairy
Facebook : https://facebook.com/megfairy.artist
Instagram : https://instagram.com/meg_fairy

⬇︎メグ・フェアリー - Meg Fairy (カバー動画集)
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZRggFcpoLzLkjBZwjfj9HJ3OucvFHadV

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⬇︎歌詞

なんでもないや(英語バージョン) - RADWIMPS
作詞・作曲︰野田洋次郎

The sorrowful gust of wind that blew right between you and me.
Where did it find the loneliness it carried on the breeze?
Looking up at the sky after shedding a stream of tears,

I could see for miles of blue… it’s never been so clear

Speeches that my father gave me would always make me despair.
Somehow I feel a warmth and comfort today
Your ever-kind heart, the way you smile, and even how you find your dreams.
I mean nothing so honestly, I’ve always copied you

Now, just a little more. Only just a little more. Let’s stay here a little longer now.
Now, just a little more. Only just a little more.
Let’s stick together just a little bit longer.

Oh yes we are time fliers, scaling the walls of time, climbers
Tired of playing hide and seek with time, and always coming just short!

Crying even when you’re happy, smiling even when you’re feeling lonely
It’s because a part of you has made it here before the rest has

I used to wish upon the stars; the toys that
I once adored forgotten now are rollin’ around the corners of the floor
Finally my dreams are countin’ up to a hundred today.
Someday I’ll trade them all for just a very one

A girl that I have seen in school, but I never have told, “Hello”
After class today, I waved… and said, “See you tomorrow!”

It’s not really that bad trying something new every once in a while
Especially if I can do it with you by my side

Now, just a little more. Only just a little more.
Let’s stay here a little longer now.
Now, just a little more. Only just a little more.
Let’s stick together just a little bit longer.

Oh yes we are time fliers, so and I… I knew who you were way before
Way before I even knew my own name. There’s no clue, but I’m sure! I swear!

Even if you’re not around in this wide world,
of course it surely would have some kind of meaning…
But when you’re not around in this crazy world,
it’s like the month of August without summer break

And if you’re not around in this great world,
it would be like Santa Claus without any glee
If you’re not around in this wide world…

Yes we are time fliers, scaling the walls of time, climbers
Tired of playing hide and seek with time, and always coming just short!

No, never mind that! No, never mind what I said now!
‘Cause I’m on my way to you!

Oh, we are time fliers, dashing up the steps of time now
No more playing hide and seek with you and time, and always coming just short!

You’re quite a showy crier; I wanna stop your tears, see your eyes dry up
But when I went to wipe your tears dry, you refused…
but I saw them pourin’ down your face and knew why

Cryin’ even when I’m happy, smilin’ even when I’m feeling lonely
It’s because this heart of mine has made it here before my body

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⬇︎関連リンク

RADWIMPS - 公式ウェブサイト
http://radwimps.jp/

RADWIMPS - UNIVERSAL MUSIC JAPAN
http://www.universal-music.co.jp/radwimps/

RADWIMPS - Twitter
https://twitter.com/RADWIMPS

RADWIMPS - Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/radwimps_jp/

RADWIMPS - Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/radwimps.official

RADWIMPS - 新浪微博
https://weibo.com/u/6116796498

RADWIMPS - YouTubeチャンネル
https://www.youtube.com/user/radwimpsstaff

RADWIMPS - Google+
https://plus.google.com/117382076268173684161

RADWIMPS - Myspace
https://myspace.com/radwimps

RADWIMPS - SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/radwimps_official

野田洋次郎 (@YojiNoda1) - Twitter
https://twitter.com/YojiNoda1

野田洋次郎 (yoji_noda) - Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/yoji_noda/

野田洋次郎 - 新浪微博（中国語）
https://weibo.com/u/6160822141

illion - 公式ウェブサイト
http://www.illion-web.com/

illion - Warner Music Japan
https://wmg.jp/illion/

illion (@illion_official) - Twitter
https://twitter.com/illion_official

illion - Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/illion.official

illion - YouTubeチャンネル
https://www.youtube.com/user/illionofficial

#RADWIMPS #なんでもないや #君の名は